


Meant to say goodbye

by bunnybinnie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Siblings, Bittersweet Ending, Childhood Memories, Coma, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Reminiscing, Sad with a Happy Ending, a bit of survivor guilt, car crash, deciding to let someone go, i think, i think its happy but you might think its still a tad too sad so idk, might be a bit unrealistic, saying goodbye, time is weird and goes by fast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24183214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybinnie/pseuds/bunnybinnie
Summary: Time flies.Chan doesn't want him to leave, but maybe it's the best thing to do. Sometimes, to love means to let go.Maybe they were meant to say goodbye anyway. But not forever.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	Meant to say goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> Just to make sure, there is an implied car crash. A tiny bit of details but nothing gore.  
> Also, it deals with deciding to end someone's life when they're in a coma and are most likely to never wake up (euthanasia sort of, but not quite). If it might upset you, maybe don't read this.
> 
> I was inspired by Sleeping at Last's cover of 'Already Gone', if you wanna listen to it here's the link https://youtu.be/X9cBifpETO8

Chan sits beside the bed, like he is used to. His hand is tenderly holding Felix’s. He holds his hand, like he always does. Everything is the same as usual. That same room, that same bed, those same machines that are way too noisy, those same tubes. Chan wonders if he can still recall his face without them. And he slightly smiles because he does. Yet it hurts because the picture in his head is old and yellowed.

Everything is the same, but he knows his life is about to change forever once again.

It was almost a decade ago. The memory is blurred, like a dream, but Chan still feels it in his bones. He remembers the music blasting through the car’s speakers. He still hears Felix’s laugh.

But he also remembers the loud honking, the flicking headlights and Felix screaming “Watch out!”. His hand turning the wheel with such strength they did not hit the other car. His own, though, left the road and fell into the darkness.

All he can recall after that is the sheer fear. The pain in his legs and his brother’s unconscious body. Then the black becomes white, the darkness turns into a hospital. The beeps and the nurses. Slowly, he heals. Paper works are hell. He has erased most of these memories, now only able to remember the papers going back and forth in front of his tired eyes.

But what he can remember very clearly is how much his heart was heavy. The first thing he asked when he woke up was “Is my brother okay?”. Those four words never left his lips. He would ask again and again, knowing the outcome but still wishing for a change. He knows he will never forget how much the guilt crushed him. Hell, even now. He believes he will never truly get over it.

Chan sighs out loud as the memories flood his head. His hand grows tighter around Felix’s. The other one carefully pats the younger’s head. He swallows, hoping it would make the tight ball in his throat go away. It doesn’t.

He feels like crying but the tears won’t come. He thinks that, maybe, he has already cried too much. Something in him tells him it’s because he already knew that day would come. He chooses not to believe it. He doesn’t want to recognize that he has lost hope, because hope dies last.

He looks at his brother’s face, trying to picture it without those tubes. A faint smile appears on his face for a second; he looks like dad.

Someone knocks on the door and Chan turns his head. He meets a nurse’s eyes. “Just five more minutes, please” he asks. They nod and leave the room.

He looks at his brother again and the words start fighting in him. He has so much to say but he doesn’t know how to word his thoughts. But time flies and he’s lacking it. Chan makes the choice to just open the gate and let it all flow. He talks and talks, he is not even sure of what he says but he says it anyway. He pours his heart. He tells Felix what he’s always wanted to tell him. All his secrets. He reminisces of their childhood, how they used to play hide and seek all over the house. He talks about their mom’s hot chocolate, you know, the one with real pieces of chocolate. You would always burn your tongue drinking it. He talks about that band they would listen to together, knowing all the lyrics by heart and screaming them at the top of their lungs whenever they had the chance. He doesn’t forget about the birthdays. The late night talks. He tells him how he even misses the useless fights. How Felix would never change the toilet paper roll. He hated his habit of letting an empty bottle of milk in the fridge, yet now he misses it. Chan goes on and on forever and it seems he’s unable to stop. He tells him about that one time he had knocked at someone’s door and ran away but Felix didn’t. The old woman had asked if it was him and he had answered “No ma’am, it’s my brother. He ran away over there.”

He ends his rambling by saying sorry. Sorry for that time I ate the last slice of cake though I knew it was your birthday and your favourite flavour. Sorry for breaking your DS by sitting on it when you were ten. Sorry for telling mom that you were the one that broke the window with your soccer ball. Sorry for all those fights where I yelled regrettable stuff at you; I never meant them. Sorry for not telling you that I love you. Sorry for not paying enough attention. Sorry I couldn’t protect you.

I know these hundred words will never wake you up. Sorry for still trying.

Chan’s eyes flutter and he refuses to acknowledge the tears when the doctor enters with his parents. His dad puts a hand on his shoulder and Chan knows he’s trying not to break down. His mom kisses Felix’s hand one last time. She whispers the lullaby she used to sing to them when they were little kids. The doctor takes off the tubes and it feels like Chan is seeing his brother’s face for the first time. His freckles are faint, almost invisible. His lips have a weird blue-ish colour. His skin is pale and looks as thin as paper. It feels like it’s not the right person. Chan realizes his brother is already long gone even before his heart stops beating.

It doesn’t stop him from falling apart when it hits him that this is the end. His heart breaks for the thousand times over the last eight or so years. He regrets the choice they made instantly. What if Felix would have woken up tomorrow? Or even next year? Or the year after that? He knows it’s not true. Felix had fallen asleep long ago and he would never wake up. He loves him just enough to believe it is better to let him go.

Time flies. The pain goes away, or rather he learns to live with it. He’s not really sure. He can't see his brother, but he never stops talking to him. When he’s sad, when he’s happy. He knows he’s always here. Now, he has wrinkles on his face when he’s smiling and also when he’s not. He has a tiny being that calls him ‘dad’ and hugs him like there is no tomorrow. Chan likes to think it’s true. Before bed, he tells him the adventures of Pixie the fairy. His favourite is the one where Pixie saves the magical world from the foggy monster with big white eyes before falling in a hundred years sleep. What happens after all those years? Chan says he doesn’t know, maybe he goes back to his family and reunites with his long-lost fairy brother? He hopes so.

And when the little one smiles, Chan smiles too. He looks like dad.

He knows Felix and he were meant to say goodbye. Not forever, only for a short while. Just enough so Chan would have tons of new stories to tell, ones filled with laughter and a malicious child who dreams of things bigger than the world. Until then, he takes each day as it comes. And in the blink of an eye, times goes by.

Today, Chan wakes up.

Today, Chan smiles because all he sees is fairy dust. He has so many things to tell the young boy in front of him. He wants to say sorry again but this time, he says:

Thank you for waiting for me, Felix.


End file.
